Definition of Mental Abuse


Mental abuse is defined as the occurrence of someone’s well-being, self-worth and/or emotional state being purposely neglected or reduced (mental abuse def).

This typically happens by the abuser verbally abusing the victim and manipulating them in some way. Mental abuse can come in many degrees and can occur in any relationship.

It’s more typical to see it in a romantic relationship as the abuser has more control. This is due to the love the victim feels toward them. 

Signs of Mental Abuse

Mental abuse is any word or gesture that is meant to tear you down in some way.

Humiliation, embarrassment and any other verbal expression used to put you down, control, intimidate or manipulate you are all part of mental abuse one might experience at the hand of their abuser.

Here are several examples of that…

They’ll Disregard Your Accomplishments

Similar to undermining you, they will make it seem like any of your accomplishments aren’t anything to be proud of.

They might even try to take credit for them in some way or they might even try to make you feel bad for them. 

I once had someone (we’ll call him Mr. P)  try to make me feel guilty for accepting a job offer in my field because he said it would emasculate him when I made more money than he did.

He tried to make me feel bad for being driven and said things to try to get me to lessen myself in order to make himself feel better. It was ridiculous.

mental abuse def

Name Calling

This form of verbal abuse is a clear sign that someone is okay with mentally or emotionally abusing you. When an abuser talks badly about their “loved one” or name calls on purpose, they are trying to manipulate them.

This happens as the victim will always be on edge and clambering for their affection.

It’s how they feel in control. They may give you a backhanded compliment like “That’s pretty smart for someone like you!” or say something like “You’d look a lot better if you did your makeup like her.”.

When the victim tries to bend over backward for someone like that, the insults and mistreatment will only get worse. The abuser will always see how far they can go.

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Criticize Appearances

Sometimes the abuser will not only be critical of the way you look but they may say rude things about your loved ones as well.

They may pick on certain features, disapprove of the clothes you choose to wear or pick on you about your hair. Any little thing that can pick apart to try to make you feel less than or ashamed, they will do.

They want you to want their approval in everything they do and who they are, including how you look.

Undermine and Belittle You

Usually an abuser will undermine you by tearing you down. You could be really excited about something and they’ll play it off like it’s nothing.

You may also speak up for yourself or voice an opinion on something and they’ll cut you down right away. They will try to make you feel like you don’t know what you’re talking about.

The abuser will try to make you think that you’re not smart or capable of having valid opinions of your own. They will also try to mess with your emotional state by being cruel intentionally. 

mental abuse def

One time (only a couple months before I finally removed myself from the situation) “Mr. P”, knew I was completely worn down by his treatment and he could get away with nearly anything because I was so exhausted by it all.

He actually went so far as to pretend that he forgot about my birthday.

Mind you, we had lived together for nearly 4 years at that point. He wanted to see if I would speak up and “make him feel bad” about it.

When I called him out on that he got furious and blamed me for not being compassionate enough with him. He tried to use working too hard as an excuse when he spent well over 15 hours per week playing video games.

Seriously, you can’t make this up. I don’t even remember if we did anything for my birthday or not.

Regardless, abusers will go to great lengths to put you down and make you feel insignificant while simultaneously trying to convince you that no one else would ever love you more.

Obviously that’s not true. They’re master manipulators and might even brag about that too.

Lack of Privacy

They will spy on you and not let you have anything to yourself. They will forcefully be involved in every area of your life. Typically this type of control will be done in the name of them caring about you or wanting to protect you.

Demands

The abuser might demand that you do something for them. They may order you around and try to make you feel nervous or scared of them if you do not comply.

They may order you to do chores around the house, go grocery shopping, etc.   

mental abuse def

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They Lie

If the abuser does not start out with lies, it will most likely come to it at some point. They may make things up about your family and friends to manipulate you.

The lies may come in various shapes and sizes. It’s all to manipulate you and chip away at who you are. Another (absurd, but true) example of this is lying about their preferences on things. 

Here’s my experience with this form of abuse…

Apparently after years of chewing bubble gum and listening to classic rock these things were now Mr. P’s least favorite things ever!

In fact, he would act sad if he noticed I bought bubble gum (lol). When I decided to compensate by buying him his own pack of gum whenever I bought bubble gum for myself, Mr. P would be sure to act repulsed when I opened the new pack of bubble gum that I loved so much.

Same with classic rock. Mr. P all of a sudden started acting like it was like listening to nails on a chalkboard. I remember crying silently to myself as I folded laundry in our shitty apartment. He was in the other room playing video games. I had a long day at work and wanted to listen to music while I finished up the laundry.

It was the loneliest time of my life. (That’s a huge part of why I want to do everything I can to educate people on all things mental health – it’s life changing!)

I remember always feeling like I had to listen for him to yell for me for something so I didn’t want to put my headphones in but I also didn’t want to play my music.

He never would have heard me through the closed door of the room he was in, the noise cancelling headphones he wore or all the yelling at the computer he did.

Despite all that it was easier for me to avoid listening to music rather than deal with his ridiculousness. One time I was so sick of walking on eggshells like that, that I played my music quietly while doing laundry.

I would pause it whenever I thought he was going to get up and leave the room so he wouldn’t hear it. I haven’t thought about that in such a long time.

Not having to deal with someone like that now makes that kind of treatment seem so foreign and ridiculous.

However, when you’re in it, you’re so conditioned that it’s hard to see through the fog of it all when it’s happening.

Like I said, it’s all a way for them to try to chip away at who you are. One tiny little thing at a time.

Disrespect You

The abuser may disrespect you in public or private. They may deliberately flirt with someone to mess with your emotions.

Their actions will always be one sided as they will expect the best treatment from you while mistreating and abusing you all the time.

mental abuse def

Deny Their Behavior

Not only will they deny their behavior if you try to call them out on it but they will act like they’re offended that you’d think of them like that.

They may also try to turn it around on you and basically just wear you down until you drop the subject.

Methods of Control

Of course the tactics used with the signs of mental abuse wouldn’t be able to exist without the various methods of control. Abusers may exhibit a variety of combinations of the following methods of control.

Threatening Behavior

When physical abuse isn’t involved they won’t hit you but they will intimidate you through yelling, swearing, slamming their fist down or on a wall, or will throw something.

Anything they can do to be loud and show some sort of physical force without actually (physically) harming you.

Financially Controlling 

In reference to a partner, usually they will try to gain control of the finances in some way. This can be unbearable for the victim as finances are one of the leading things couples may argue about to begin with.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, you can be certain that they will try to manipulate your spending, guilt trip you or completely isolate you from your money eventually.

Their Mood is Unpredictable

They like to keep you on your toes. The abuser will pretend to be in a bad mood, fabricate something or even just overreact in order to keep you in an ever wandering state of emotional distress.

Their goal is to keep you wondering what kind of mood they’ll be in when they get home from work.

They want you to be worried about the smallest things like how will they might react if you can’t find their favorite peanut butter at the grocery store.

Over time they will condition you to always be anxious about what their mood might be. The highs and lows are all part of their control tactic.

Overdependence

They’ll claim that they need you in their life and that they cannot live without you. They will make it seem like they may kill themselves if you leave them. This is usually a lie to manipulate you to stay.

Extreme Ideas

If you haven’t guessed by now, abusers have no problem making stuff up to try to keep you with them and under their control.

One of the last wild concepts Mr. P said to me when I was in the process of leaving him was that I was so messed up that I was not able to love anyone so I should just stay with him.

(After all, what’s the point in trying to find happiness with someone else if I’m the problem, right? Absolutely ridiculous. I should say that the only reason I didn’t laugh in his face after he said that is because I wanted to make it out of that house alive – he was a ticking time bomb since he realized he was losing control).  

As absurd as that sounds, when the victim has been dealing with someone like this for a long period of time, they will be used to their abuser’s ways and some might even believe them. 

Guilt Trip You

Anything they can think of to make you indebted to you they’ll do. They’ll even go out of their way to do things you don’t want them to just to try to make you feel like you owe them.

They will also throw things in your face and fabricate scenarios to try to make you feel guilty for things you may or may not have done.

Examples of Mental Abuse

Subtle Manipulation

An example of mental abuse that many abusers will adopt is to make the victim choose between their well-being and happiness and the abuser’s.

This is commonly seen in small daily things, as well as bigger issues such as the victim’s other relationships. Often, an abuser will subtly make the victim choose between them and their family or friends.

It may seem like small little sacrifices at first, but over time the abuser will increase their manipulation tactics. The abuser will constantly be “pushing the envelope” to see how far the victim will go.

When there is any sort of retaliation, they will ease up, become charming again and in many cases even guilt trip the victim in some way.

Obvious Abuse

An example of an obvious form of mental abuse is when someone uses verbal abuse to directly impact the victim’s emotional state.

They will be blunt and open about their wishes that force you to compromise yourself in some way. They will mock you, intimidate you and possibly even threaten you into doing whatever it is they are trying to accomplish.

Sometimes they will cause a scene in public and make you look like you’re the problem.

Emotional/Mental Abuse from Parents

Typically, we hear about mental abuse from a partner as this is one of the most common forms of domestic abuse.

However, there are plenty of cases where children have been emotionally or mentally abused by their parents.

Parents who are  overprotective, overbearing, too controlling or use affection as a tactic of manipulation are all ways that children usually experience emotional or mental abuse.

If the child feels like they are always walking on eggshells, are afraid of upsetting their parent(s) out of extreme fear of consequences or if they always feel like they’re in trouble or that the never can do anything right, they are being emotionally and mentally abused.

A parent who also compares their child to someone else in a negative way is also abusive toward the child.

Reassurance and knowing that their parents are proud of them are essential for a child’s development and success in life.

If they are never reassured of this or feel like they’re parents aren’t proud of them, they may have to deal with the psychological effects of this the rest of their lives.

Another common form is isolation.

While the parent(s) might think they are protecting their child they are actually harming them. While protecting their child is their responsibility, stunting their individual growth is very harmful.

If a child or teen feels they are not able to make their own decisions or express themselves, they will struggle to be successful and excel in life. They may even develop Dependent Personality Disorder.

It will take a lot of mental health work for the child to undo years of that kind of dependency – but it is doable.

I hope this information was helpful for you and you’re able to identify if you or someone you know is being mentally or emotionally abused.

It’s important to reach out and show support to those who may be in this situation. They may not want to hear it or may even defend the abuser but it’s important to give them time.

Educating them on the signs may help them see the severity of their situation before it’s too late.

It’s not uncommon for mental/emotional abuse to develop into physical/sexual abuse. Speak up and help whenever you can!

For more information on the what mental abuse may look like, check out this helpful article on How to Recognize the Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse for a list of 64 signs/characteristics.

As previously mentioned, here is the discount link to sign up for online therapy (plus the “extras” toolbox) at 20% off your first month! GET HELP ONLINE 20% OFF

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mblblogger

Hi, I'm Marissa! I'm passionate about mental and emotional health and want to share what I've learned over the years with others! I've seen first hand how mental health struggles can cause serious issues within relationships, work life, daily productivity, self-worth and more! I truly believe that we owe it to ourselves to bring more awareness to these life changing topics. Start your mental/emotional health journey by learning more today!

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