Living with or loving an emotionally unavailable man or woman can be frustrating, lonely and heartbreaking. So what can you do to make the situation a little better?
Understand what it means to be emotionally unavailable, why that is and what you can do to make the situation the best that it can be.
Being emotionally unavailable means that the individual has a difficult time accepting love and other intimate emotions. They are capable of showing love and other emotions but often choose not to for a variety of reasons. As you may know, this emotional unavailability tends to be seen more in men than women.
For that reason, we’re going to discuss this topic as it relates to an emotionally unavailable man. Instead of as it may relate to a woman or men and women in general.
11 Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Man
He’s Insecure
Insecurity is a strong sign that you might be with an emotionally unavailable man. He may come off as judgmental, be insecure with you interacting with other guys or he might just be a perfectionist.
His particular traits help him feel a sense of security that he may have been lacking in the past. This is often due to some sort of emotional or verbal abuse he experienced in the past.
He Doesn’t Understand Boundaries
It’s common for an emotionally unavailable man to not consider other people’s timelines and boundaries in a new relationship.
He will most likely assume that you’re going to start a sexual relationship right away. Emotionally unavailable men tend to be pushy about it.
This is because he feels like he’s filling some sort of emotional void that people who are emotionally available understand and do not need sex to fulfill.
While he might seem like he’s into the relationship due to his eagerness to get you into bed, he will take a long time to open up emotionally if he ever does.
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Uncomfortable With Your Emotions
If someone is uncomfortable with showing their emotions, they’re absolutely going to not know what to do when you do.
Being with an emotionally unavailable man can feel lonely. You want to share your thoughts, feelings and concerns about things but he will act as though he doesn’t want to discuss them. He’ll avoid emotional situations, or even shut down when you try to talk to him.
He will often say that he doesn’t want to discuss certain topics “right now” and ask to put it off in an attempt to avoid discussions.
He’s Self-Centered
Being emotionally unavailable often means that the individual will be self-centered. Everything is about what he wants, his timelines, schedule and what fits best with his day.
This could be a way to make him feel more secure about himself. Also, emotionally unavailable men tend to think very highly of themselves.
He may think other people’s priorities and wants don’t matter nearly as much as his own do.
He Won’t “Open Up”
Trying to talk to and connect with an emotionally unavailable man will feel nearly impossible at times. Like we mentioned earlier, he will try to avoid topics of conversation that have to do with anything emotional.
It will seem like your relationship isn’t getting anywhere because you won’t be on the same page emotionally.
He Won’t Talk About His Past
Getting to know more about your man’s past will be a very slow process. It may not even happen to the extent you want it to.
Whatever occurred that caused him to become emotionally unavailable will be too triggering and painful to discuss.
An emotionally unavailable man will also not like to talk about past partners or anything else emotional.
You might get little bits of information about his past here and there but he’ll most likely be really vague. He may also dismiss any questions about his past altogether.
It’s Emotionally Exhausting
You can imagine that dealing with an emotionally unavailable man is no walk in the park. It’s hard to try to connect and the relationship will be confusing.
One day, things might be great and carefree and the other you’re questioning everything because of how disconnected you might feel.
The constant rollercoaster of emotions will be exhausting. For this reason, relationships typically will not last unless he is willing to approach his emotions in a healthy way.
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He’s Afraid of Commitment
An emotionally unavailable man will not commit ona level that you most likely want him to. Engagement and marriage require a level of commitment and emotional maturity that he just won’t be ready for.
If he can’t face his own emotions he will not be able to give any of that side of him to someone else.
This is the premise of being emotionally unavailable so serious commitment will not be an option as long as he is unwilling to dig in and help himself understand his emotional trauma.
He Thinks He is Blameless
Emotionally unavailable men not only think that their wants and needs are more important than others, they will avoid blame or place it elsewhere.
If you try to approach him about something that made you uncomfortable or confront him about something, he will most likely make up excuses for his behavior, blame someone else or deny it altogether.
He Neglects You
Another common sign that tends to frustrate most people is the fact that he will not respect your time. He will seem to demand that you respect him while being mindful of his wants and needs but will not do the same for you.
It is often a common thing for emotionally unavailable men to not make time for you. He might suggest meeting up when it’s convenient for him.
It may never seem that he’s willing to go out of his way for you as you would for him.
They Don’t Interact Well with Others
As previously mentioned, an emotionally unavailable man tends to think very highly of himself. This causes him to come off as arrogant, and a bit of a “know-it-all”.
He might not have the best social skills and people might not like to be around him simply because he might put others down and talk about himself too much. He might be flashy and seem shallow.
Ultimately, it feels like you’re never getting anywhere in your relationship with an emotionally unavailable man. If you try to connect he’ll shut it down.
When you try to communicate and work through issues he’ll blame someone else or make excuses.
If you demand that he respect your boundaries, time, wants or needs more he will either make false promises or he could break up with you.
Unless he is strong enough to be willing to work on his behavior and how he processes things, chances are that your relationship may not get very far. It is typical for emotionally unavailable men to be considered “loners” and not commit to someone.
What Makes a Man Emotionally Unavailable?
Trauma
Childhood trauma or witnessing/being in a traumatic event can cause someone to become emotionally unavailable over time.
Our emotions drive so much of who we are and how we interpret life. If someone is holding onto trauma and is avoiding treatment the underlying stress of that will cause them to become detached, emotionally unavailable and in many cases, depressed.
Abuse
Any type of abuse whether emotional, physical or mental has the ability to have serious affects on someone. Not only can they develop personality and eating disorders, but many suffer from anxiety and depression as well.
As frustrating as it may be to deal with someone who is emotionally unavailable, it’s important to be compassionate and try to understand the reasons behind it.
People suffer from the aftermath of abuse all the time. Approaching them from a place of love, understanding and with no judgement will help them much more than lashing out and refusing to try to understand their pain.
Suppressed Emotions
Many people (especially men) have been taught that they should hide their emotions. If children are taught that expressing themselves is weak or that it’s not allowed, it will lea to serious issued later on.
A man might become emotionally unavailable and never have a close relationship that he may have always wanted.
A woman might be “too nice” out of fear of expressing herself and could end up getting pushed around in her relationships.
Whatever the case may be, letting your man know that expressing his emotions is okay with you and giving him that safe space could be the first step toward him opening up to you.
Anxiety/Fear Cycle
A man who is hiding his emotions may have a lot of anxiety around showing them to you in general. If he experienced abuse or hurtful parenting in the past, just the thought of expressing himself might bring a lot of anxiety and discomfort.
Some people who experience anxiety (and panic attacks) are constantly living in fear of their next anxiety attack which causes a vicious cycle of fear and anxiety.
The only way to help him break out of this cycle is to offer support and try to understand his fears.
What Can You Do?
Work on Eliminating His Anxiety
Aside from being his support system and showing him how reliable you are, getting involved with a helpful program geared toward eliminating anxiety is a great alternative to counseling if he’s not yet ready for that.
Anxiety controls so much of how we think and act so getting to the root of anxiety triggers can help him better access his emotions.
Our friends at Panic Away have developed this program designed to do just that. By learning to control triggers and with constant support, working to eliminate anxiety is possible.
Many have seen life changing results and your loved one could as well!
Offer Love and Understanding
The more supportive you are the more he’ll be likely to open up to you over time. If you’re not willing to put in the time for him then being in a relationship with an emotionally unstable man is not a good fit for you.
Showing consistent love and support will build his confidence over time and allow him to open up and express himself in ways he may never have before.
Being understanding when things are difficult and not pushing him away with your words will go a long way as well.
It might be hard in the moment, but practicing patience and understanding when things aren’t going how you’d like will be best in the long run.
Try Counseling Together
“Talk” therapy (counseling) is a great way to work through the blockages that cause someone to be emotionally unavailable. You can go as a couple or if he’s more comfortable going alone, that’s fine too!
A counselor will be able to help get to the root of his emotional struggles much faster. They can provide a healthy and productive way for you both to communicate.
In conclusion, caring for an emotionally unavailable man might be difficult, but it is absolutely possible with the right tools and help.
Not to sound too cliché, but if you love each other and are willing to give each other time and support, anything is possible. I thought this article was helpful as it explains more about what emotional unavailability entails.
If you’re in it for the long haul and nothing seems to be changing then perhaps it’s time to give yourself some boundaries and decide if it’s time to let go.
An emotionally unavailable man might be about to start opening up to you if you give him long enough and show him that you’re there for him, so make sure he’s definitely not going to change before deciding to leave. If it’s easier, distance yourself little by little.
This might also show him how much of a support you’ve been that perhaps he’s come to rely on in some way.
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References and Other Helpful Articles
Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Person – timesofindia.indiatimes.com
