Having someone in your life who is emotionally detached can seem difficult and lonely at times. While it typically puts some sort of strain on the relationship, understanding the symptoms, causes and more can help you establish a stronger connection.
Signs of Emotional Detachment
There are several signs of emotional detachment depending on the individual’s experiences, causes and personality type.
Typically, men tend to experience emotional detachment or unavailable more frequently than women are. For more on that, check out the article on “Is Your Man Emotionally Unavailable”.
Here are a few common emotional detachment signs that could clue you in on whether or not someone you love is dealing with emotional detachment.
Affection is Rarely Shown
Even if your loved one loves and cares about you, they will have a hard time showing it. They may truly desire to be affectionate on some level. However, the various internal struggles they’re experiencing will make them want to avoid it.
Showing affection might seem complicated to them. They might think that it will invite topics of conversation that they do not want to discuss.
Often, someone who is emotionally detached will avoid sex as well. They may avoid affection in order to avoid sex if that is an area they are not comfortable with.
They Don’t Make Time for You
Since people who are emotionally detached don’t usually put other’s emotional needs first, they often won’t make time for their loved one(s).
They might always seem busy or might make excuses. If you’re dating someone like this, it might seem like they chose time with their friends over you.
This is because they are not comfortable in emotional/intimate situations and because they are not connected to their own emotions. They tend to not be considered thoughtful or selfless.
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Conflict is Avoided
Conflict with a loved one involves digging into emotions and effectively working through issues.
Neither of these are things those who are emotionally detached are willing to do. If there is a problem in your relationship, the topic might be avoided altogether.
The detached individual might try to rush through the conversation. They may cut it short, or just say whatever they think you want to hear in order to end the conversation.
Typically emotional intelligence isn’t their strong suit. Areas of conflict might be scoffed at, downplayed, or dismissed. They might say it’s “not a big deal” or some other seemingly disrespectful approach.
It will be tough to tackle relationship issues with someone who is emotionally detached. You will most likely find that it could leave you feeling worse than you did before addressing the issue.
They Don’t Open Up to You
Obviously, anything related to emotions is a difficult topic for those struggling with emotional detachment. Aside from that, everyday things might be hard to connect on.
They might not care to tell you about their day or avoid telling you how they feel. They won’t express their worries, doubts or fears in situations that others would.
It might seem like nothing phases them. While this is somewhat true for many people who are not emotionally detached, they are actually bottling everything up.
They Create Distance from You
Someone who is emotionally detached will start to intentionally create distance from their loved one. They might start little fights or do upsetting things just to create emotional distance for their comfort.
Someone who is emotionally detached may also go so far as to purposely ruin the relationship. This is so that the other person decides to break up with them or leave.
Why People Become Emotionally Detached
As difficult as it might be to be with someone who is emotionally detached, it’s important to understand the reason behind it.
Emotional detachment is a defense mechanism. Those who have been abused, neglected or have experienced some type of traumatic event may develop a detachment.
While there are varying degrees of detachment, it’s important to try to understand the causes in order to help those who are suffering or even just to understand them better.
Causes of Emotional Detachment
Emotional detachment can be caused from a number of past experiences and backgrounds. While there is not one single cause, below are the most common causes.
Emotional Abuse
When someone is emotionally abused, they will detach from their emotions as a way to protect themselves from the abuse.
They may decide to detach from the abuser and disengage their emotions until they are able to get away or cut that person out of their life.
As humans, our desire to connect to people is strong. When someone is forced to be detached in order to preserve themselves, they will feel nearly robotic when dealing with the abuser.
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They might consider themselves separate from their emotions at times and will escape “inside themselves” when put into an abusive situation.
This is especially damaging when the abuser is a parent or partner. Severing emotional ties in order to preserve oneself is extremely painful.
The individual will become extremely guarded as a result. In some cases, they will stay detached until appropriate treatment is received.
In some cases, depending on the individual and the severity of the abuse, emotional detachment can fade over time.
As the individual distances themselves from abuse, heals and learns to trust people again, their detachment can disappear and they’ll be able to connect on an emotional level again.
Neglect during Childhood
When a child experiences neglect, they often try to rationalize it by blaming themselves. They might think that if they behaved better or didn’t react a certain way, that the neglect would stop.
Over time, this can cause emotional detachment, again out of self-defense. They might decide that no matter what they do or how they act, the neglect will continue so it is pointless to try to appeal to the person (typically a parent) responsible for the neglect.
They may become withdrawn and live as a shell of a person (emotionally) into adulthood. In some cases, a personality or eating disorder will be developed as a result of emotional neglect as well.
Avoidant personality disorder and Orthorexia Nervosa are a couple of disorders that may be developed as a result of emotional abuse or neglect as a child.
Trauma
Trauma can come in a variety of forms. Car accidents, physical/sexual/mental abuse, the loss of a job or loved one etc.
While the traumatic event can vary by individual, it can cause emotional detachment depending on the individual.
Someone who was previously in a relationship with someone who was unfaithful can cause the type of trauma that could cause emotional detachment.
Whether someone becomes emotionally detached due to a traumatic experience or not depends on the individual.
Their self-esteem, level of emotional intelligence, resilience and other self-reliant characteristics can help preserve their emotional state during/after a traumatic event.
Who Experiences Emotional Detachment?
Anyone, regardless of the following experiences/circumstances can become emotionally detached depending on their own experiences. However, emotional detachment usually takes severe conditions to develop.
Those of which are typically found with the following.
Sociopaths
A sociopath is someone who is unable to connect with others and who has a general disinterest in other’s well-being.
They will make everything about themselves and will often make their partners choose between them and their family and friends.
While sociopaths may come off as personable and charming at first, it is only a form of manipulation. They tend to be emotionally detached.
Depending on the situation, many can be narcissistic as well. They may do everything that they can to convince others that they are caring but those closest to them will know otherwise.
People with Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar disorder, like other emotional/mental disorders, is typically caused from traumatic and strenuous events.
Along with the ups and downs of bipolar, becoming emotionally detached may often be seen with those suffering with bipolar disorder.
Living with someone who is suffering with bipolar disorder who is also emotionally detached might be challenging, but showing support and offering assistance might be able to help.
Treatment is possible if they’re willing to work toward achieving emotional and mental health.
People with PTSD
Those with PTSD are anyone suffering from extreme trauma. Usually, we associate this with combat veterans, rape victims or those who have been in near death situations.
PTSD can affect a wide variety of people, not just those who suffer from these few examples.
Things You can do to Reconnect Yourself
Working on your emotional health is an amazing way to engage yourself toward emotional and mental well-being. While it does not substitute professional treatment, personal development activities can significantly improve your quality of life.
Go Within
In order to work through any form of mental or emotional health issues one must take the deep dive into themselves.
There will most likely be a lot of resistance at first, but over time, you’ll be able to unearth areas of pain, work through them and heal.
This will not only improve your life, but you’ll reach a new level of strength, resilience and self-awareness that you never had before.
Being patient with yourself and taking the time to understand how you’ve had to cope with your trauma in the past will significantly help you.
Trust Exercises
Trust and openness will not feel good at first. Take it one step at a time and slowly work your way toward being able to trust your loved ones.
Start small. Ask your loved one about their day and really listen. Observe how that makes you feel, the connection you feel when they’re opening up to you.
If you’re comfortable, start telling them about your day. Consistency is key but do not so quickly that you feel the need to completely close yourself off.
Again, it might not feel that great at first, but start small and work that emotional muscle until you’re ready for bigger steps.
Break Out of Your Comfort Zone (example how)
Your comfort zone is what will keep you in the unhealthy emotional cycle that you’re in. As mentioned in the last tip about the trust exercise, you’ll have to push yourself quite a bit at first.
Going in with the expectation that it will be uncomfortable will serve you well and help encourage you a little. You could ask your partner if there is something they’ve been wanting to discuss.
Start by creating a safe space for you and your partner. Tell them that you want to work on your emotional connection but you need them to respect the pace at which you’re willing to go.
If actively engaging in conversation is still too uncomfortable for you, explain to them that you’re going outside of your comfort zone and that you are only open to hearing what they have to say for now.
Make it an exercise game.
Listen to what they have to say without any expectation to reply to the topic.
Explain that you need the time to process what it’s like to engage in such an emotional experience and you want to work through it for the best outcome.
For this reason, you will listen to what the issue/concern is but will not respond until the following day. The next day, come back to the discussion with your thoughts and feelings about what was previously said.
It’s up to you to participate and respond. If you’re not sure how to bring it back up, ask your partner to pick a time for them to bring it back up.
I’m sure they will be willing to help ease you into the exercise in order to better connect. It’s an exercise that can benefit you both.
Creating that safe space, going outside of your comfort zone while still maintaining some sort of boundaries will ensure success. Give it a try!
Be Intentional
Being intentional about the activities and exercises you try can help rate of success toward healing. What hurts you the most?
Do you like yourself or not? Do you feel shame or guilt for no reason all the time for no reason? Ask yourself intentional questions and think about what they mean to you.
If you’re able to understand that you get to choose to make things mean the things they do to you, you give yourself back the power to control your mind instead of your pain and self-sabotaging thoughts.
Treatment Options
Anxiety is often a struggle of those suffering with emotional detachment. Getting the proper treatment and support can make all the difference.
The program Panic Away is a trusted anxiety eliminating program that has helped many achieve better mental and emotional health.
If you or your loved one struggle with any anxiety issues on any scale, check it out today and start your journey toward peace of mind!
Online therapy with a professional counselor is a great way to interact with a professional within the comfort of your own home.
Treatment through talk therapy will help you work through emotional pain in areas that you may not have known exist.
Speaking to your own therapist will guide you through a personalized program that will expedite your healing by months or even years!
In some cases, medication will be an appropriate form of treatment. This will depend on preexisting conditions or other medications you might be on.
In some cases, antidepressants will be necessary for best results. Talk to your doctor about what could work best for your unique situation.
I hope this information helps you or someone you love work through your/their emotional health struggles! Reach out and get help to start working toward your emotional well-being today!
For more on what a relationship like this might look like and other great tips, check out this article from the folks over at regain.us.
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