We all know someone who’s self-confidence we have envied (or secretly still do) in the past. When we’re with them, we can’t help but to feed off their energy and wonder what an amazing life they must have to always be so happy and confident with themselves.
What if I told you self-confidence was more of a practice with intentional actions than just a gift?
Anyone can be as carefree with great self-esteem as that one friend who seems to be completely satisfied with himself/herself and comfortable in her own skin.
Really – anyone! It just takes commitment and a little work.
This is a perfect example of the whole “If I can do it, anyone can do it” thing.
If I explained to you, the crippling levels of social anxiety, lack of self-esteem, and feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness that used to live in my mind, you would think you were talking to a completely different person.
Today, I am 90% happy and confident with who I am and the other 10% will come in time.
If 15-year-old me could see me now – she’d be jealous 😉
My extremely sheltered, homeschooled upbringing (K-8th grade) is most definitely the source of the characteristics that the “old me” used to possess.
Thankfully, having a lack of social interaction as a kid often leads to a heightened ability to read people, understand why people can be a certain way and ultimately mimic actions and body language.
Almost like an alien studying human interaction to try to fit in unnoticed (that’s exactly what it felt like lol).
This makes you seem like you have a certain confidence when really you just want to melt into the floor – not the best feeling but at least you don’t appear as frantic as you feel.
Dramatic, I know. But sadly, that was the reality of how I viewed myself during my time in public school (9th-12th grade).
Let me set one thing straight. I am not telling you that you need to be fake with people and lie to yourself to only pretend like you have self-confidence.
Rather, I’m taking the best and healthiest parts of what I experienced and I’m applying them to a more practical “real-life” scenario.
As adults, I think it is so much easier to be true to yourself and unapologetically express yourself.
However, self-esteem and confidence are continually a work in progress for many of us – my unique kind of upbringing or not.
So now that I’ve rambled on about why I know so much about creating a more confident version of yourself, let’s get into the tips…
No. 1: Observe your own feelings
This step is arguably the most important. You need to look at whatever you are insecure about objectively and commit to working toward self-confidence in that area.
For example, let’s say you love social settings but always feel uncomfortable starting conversation or just your social behavior in general?
Observe what specific situation(s) trigger your lack of self-confidence.
Maybe it’s not a situation at all. Maybe you’re not happy with your appearance. It sounds silly but this is so much more common than you might think.
You could look at someone and think “wow, if I looked like that, I’d never have an issue with confidence”. More than likely that person has something they’re insecure about as well. It’s all perspective really.
“The grass is always greener so learn to water your own grass.” (one of my absolute favorite expressions)
No. 2: Ask yourself questions
Now that you’ve outlines your triggers, ask yourself questions about why you feel what you do.
Are you jealous of someone because of their ability to always appear comfortable in their own skin? Is it the way the dress? Their hair? Or just the way they hold a conversation?
Do you find yourself getting irritated when you’re in a large group and everyone seems to talk over you?
Instead of letting potentially irrational thoughts overtake you, use them to your advantage. You now know what triggers you and what you want for yourself!
Take plenty of time on this step and be completely honest with yourself. Slow down and get to know you in this important area.
No. 3: Take action
You’re now prepared to take action the next time a scenario arises.
If you want something for yourself it’s up to you to make it happen.
Stop wishing you were a certain way or had a certain something and go out there and get it!
Do you think you’d be more confident if you looked a certain way? Sure, vanity can be shallow in some regard, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad all the time.
If redoing your wardrobe or getting a new hair cut would significantly increase your level of self-esteem, then do it! Why not?
In my experience self-confidence also directly correlates to the level of self-care I give myself.
I used to be jealous of women who seemed to be so effortlessly put together and confident and you know what? All I had to do to feel that way myself was to get my hair cut every few months and spend a little money on clothes.
Problem solved!
I know It’s not always as simple as a hair cut and a trip to the mall. I’ve had to dig deep into very emotional areas of myself to bring out a better version.
Just continue observing and taking action, tackling one area of self-confidence at a time.
Stop blaming people around you for the way that you feel and take to the time to listen to what it is that you want for yourself.
Personally, I hate letting myself feel jealousy toward people I don’t even know. It makes me feel like a gross person on the inside. So over the years I work on looking inward and developing those areas that trigger jealousy to better myself.
It’s one of the most satisfying feelings in the world!
*Psst, real quick – If self-care for mental health is something that interests you, check out the 3-Month Self-Care Challenge for Mental Health. In this course, I go over the methods and strategies that I’ve used to implement the mental health practices that I now call habits!
No. 4: Stay focused on your internal dialog to promote self-confidence
The more you focus on why you’re feeling a lack of self-confidence instead of the lack itself, the easier it will be to take the action that you need to get to your goal!
After a while those efforts and practices become habits which creates the version of yourself that you’ve always wanted.
I hope these tips helped point you in the direction you’ve been looking toward with your personal development. Remember that we are all a work in progress and it’s up to you to make the changes necessary to become the person you’re meant to be.
Also, be brave enough to show the courage it takes to make these changes. It’s usually not a comfortable journey, but the result is always worth it.
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